Because I lost myself there.

I was inspired by a writer friend who also experienced depression.

It’s not easy that for more than 2 years you have him in your life.

Yes. I had boyfriend. My 4th one. I really thought he was the one. We really started as officemates, close friends then lovers. We have this “complicated” relationship since he always tells me that he still loves his ex gf for 6 yrs, at first I was really hesitant to have the unconventional relationship. Which few of my close friends knew and my older sister.

We  always rely on each other and do things as normal boyfriend / girlfriend do. Constant communication, buying things for each other, taking care of each other’s stuff.

I really envy other couples whenever we eat at any restaurant. I always notice how the “boyfriend” adores his partner by taking care of her. Since we are in a very uncoventional relationship he is not sweet (or I just thought he is NOT?). Those simple things hurt me, even though I always shrug it off. But in the back of my mind, I always wish he can also do that to me too.

My only set back on it is our compatibility and our passion for music. I always remind myself everything will be okay, that as long as we are always together , it will be fine.  That someday he will also give the 100% love that I’ve been giving him. He even surprised  me last April , on my 32nd birthday by going to our house. I was very happy because I really did not expected it.

As I transfered to another site from our office, I really had that bad feeling. We started to grow apart, we always fight because of our schedule , we can’t go out for dates and that frustrates us both. Other reasons too, we had petty fights mostly, but  the huge fight we had is about my dream. That I really wanted to be serious with our relationship. Since we are like husband and wife, sharing finances, we are like dreaming what kind of house we like to build and getting a car.

Sadly, we ended it. He ended it. I was really devastated. I started questioning myself. Why? Did I ask more? Did he ever love me or even care?Maybe. Maybe not. Sometimes I don’t know anymore. It hurts me most because I miss him as my bestfriend too. I always confide to him every time I have problems with my family and friends.

I even got very sick because I work as  part time online writer/editor. To keep our finances up to date and also in a way of forgetting him.

I got depressed. There was a time I can’t cry anymore because my eyes are so sore.

I don’t go out, I hide from my friends. No one knows what I’ve been going through.

When I was sick I just get stuck at my room, read books and watched movies or tv series.

“Don’t lose yourself, everyone come and go. But always remember you can only rely on yourself. Believe on yourself. Love yourself” Those lines from a certain movie hit me hard.

It reminded me to stand up and pick up everything. I went back to work and still trying to be brave. I need to. I wanted to do it for myself.

I don’t force myself to move on, because it’s not that easy. What I’ve been doing now is improving myself.

I still cry, okay I still cry a lot. I miss him a lot. But I realize that I should value myself first before anyone else.

Because I lost myself there when I’m loving him. 

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